�Law & Order: SVU� star Mariska Hargitay, who will turn 60 on January 23,
revealed in a stunning first-person essay that she herself was raped by a
former friend when she was in her 30s.

Hargitay, who has played Detective Olivia Benson on the popular procedural
drama for more than two decades, shared her story in a cover-story essay for
PEOPLE Magazine�s latest issue.

�A man raped me in my thirties,� she began. �It wasn�t sexual at all. It was
dominance and control. Overpowering control.�

The actress went on to detail the situation, saying that until that day, she
had considered that man a friend.

�He was a friend. Then he wasn�t,� she explained. �I tried all the ways I
knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a
boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I
was terrified. I didn�t want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was
already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent.
I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to
escape. I checked out of my body.�

For a long time, Hargitay said, she could not even begin to process what had
happened � and so she locked it away and lived as though it never had. She
was not a survivor, she said, because she never acknowledged that she was a
victim.

�I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative,� she said. �I now have so much
empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me
through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do
to survive.�

�I look back on speeches where I said, �I�m not a survivor.� I wasn�t being
untruthful; it wasn�t how I thought of myself,� she added.

Hargitay went on to speak about healing and justice � and said that for every
survivor, those things can look very different.

�Survivors who�ve watched the show have told me I�ve helped them and given
them strength. But they�re the ones who�ve been a source of strength for me,�
she said. �They�ve experienced darkness and cruelty, an utter disregard for
another human being, and they�ve done what they needed to survive. For some,
that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives�which is an honor
beyond measure�for others, it means building a foundation. We�re strong, and
we find a way through.�

Hargitay concluded with her own request for justice � or at least, the first
step toward what it might look like for her.

�For me, I want an acknowledgment and an apology. I�m sorry for what I did to
you. I raped you. I am without excuse. That is a beginning. I don�t know what
is on the other side of it, and it won�t undo what happened, but I know it
plays a role in how I will work through this,� she said.

--
Let's go Brandon!